[2016] The Return of Crystal Pepsi

I’m not really sure why I was excited for Crystal Pepsi.

It was some nonsense gimmick product, a fake health product released in a time before I was even born that made very little impact on the market and became mostly a forgotten relic.

That is, until nostalgia baiting kicked in. Nostalgic revivals of foods and drinks after they hit twenty-ish years old are pretty common in the United States, like when McDonalds brought back szechuan sauce, or when Crispy M&Ms returned to the M&Ms line.

Crystal Pepsi, though, was a bizarre one. It was marketed as a health product despite not being healthy at all, and its clear coloring is just… coloring. It’s just packaging and that’s it. The soda is caffeine-free, I guess, but there’s plenty of caffeine-free sodas these days, just colored differently. In the 2010s, there is growing resentment towards carbonated, sugary drinks and the health problems they help induce, and so any claim of being healthier than normal Pepsi would be met with wide scorn. Nostalgia for a dead product is all that could possibly sell a revival like this.

Why did this even exist?!

But despite all that, for some reason, I bought into the hype. I became so fascinated with such a stupid product that I was obsessed with trying it out for myself.

In Summer 2016, just two weeks before I was scheduled to move to Japan to study as an exchange student in Nagoya for a year, Crystal Pepsi had its limited-run revival. My friends and I immediately began scouring our local grocery stores and convenience stores to find some.

And… it was zilch. Many stores didn’t receive any in the first place, but everywhere we checked was out of stock. The run was so limited that stores were running out of their shipments in just the first day or two. It was very disappointing, and I was worried that we would never be able to find any–

And then there were a whole bunch of them just kind of sitting there in the local Walgreens.

So I bought like twenty of them.

And in the end… when I finally tried my first-ever Crystal Pepsi…

It was just Pepsi.

It was just Pepsi but clear.

I don’t even like Pepsi. It’s way too sweet and has a bad aftertaste, an opinion that is probably ingrained in my DNA as a Georgian (and a Georgian whose diabetic father exclusively bought Diet Coke).

So now I was stuck with a bunch of Crystal Pepsi bottles with a drink that I didn’t like that much, with just a couple weeks before I would be leaving the country. Luckily, I salvaged things with my greatest plan–a stupid prank.

When I finished a Crystal Pepsi bottle, sometimes I would refill the bottle with water and put it back in the fridge, in case my younger brother or a friend decided to drink one. They’d get some refreshing, healthy water, and also probably spit it all out as a gut reaction! It was an ingenious plan!

…Except nobody ever fell for it, except for me on a couple times where I didn’t pay enough attention to notice the cap seal had been broken.

I was hoisted with my own prank petard.

That’s a metaphor for this entire Crystal Pepsi debacle, honestly.

[2010] That Time Republican Governors Kneecapped High Speed Rail For Cheap Political Points

Get prepared for a rant in this one.

Continue reading “[2010] That Time Republican Governors Kneecapped High Speed Rail For Cheap Political Points”

[2013] Homestuck’s (Fake) Last Hurrah

It’s 10/25, so I’m legally obligated to post about Homestuck, sadly. However, that means I can use this obligation as an opportunity to discuss the comic in the context of one important moment for me– the last time I truly cared about it.

Continue reading “[2013] Homestuck’s (Fake) Last Hurrah”

Upcoming Feature: 2010s Retrospectives

Here we are folks, just two and a half months from the end of an entire decade. It feels like only nine years and ten months ago that I was a teenager going around to dozens of internet forums trying to figure out, scientifically, what the best game of the 00s was. (Here is the answer, direct from my teenage self.)

So to celebrate the fact that we made it another ten years in the history of humanity, starting in the next few weeks, I am going to be writing various articles about the decade, waxing poetic about all the good and bad and stupid and way more stupid things that happened. It’ll be about pop culture, the news, and my life wrapped up in those things. No topic is safe, as long as I’m willing to spend a few hundred words writing about them. I will be calling these articles, creatively, the 2010s Retrospectives series.

There’ll be a few more non-retrospective articles mixed in the next couple months, but the bulk of everything I post for the rest of 2019 will be about looking back on the past ten years. How many will there be? I’m not sure yet; I’ve developed concepts for a large number of them so far, but it depends on how much time I have for the rest of the year to actually write blog posts. Expect more than a handful, at the very least.

…I don’t know why I’m announcing this when this blog doesn’t have a single subscriber, but, hey, maybe that’ll change once ATL hits it big suddenly in the next week and gets a front page story on The Daily Dot or something.